Monday, October 22, 2012

Externalizing

I'll publish the first part of the Bike Boy Awards later this week. Because I am giving them more description than I normally give, they are taking forever to complete. Do forgive me for getting ahead of myself.

As you can see, I've struggled to keep this blog updated. For a lot of reasons, I don't always see the point in blogging. I had a lot of followers when I raced, but now that this blog has been narrowed down to just the life of James, readership has gone down, and with that, my motivation. I am, after all, Bike Boy. Back in the day, I should have been more balanced with the content of this blog. Somewhere along the line, I removed my personal life from this blog to focus completely on bikes. This blog has become limited. In general, I am struggling to self-disclose to the cycling world and the world world for that matter.

I often feel angry, for many reasons, but most often because of my ego. I think I'm growing a mild form of Turrets due to internalizing my angst for so long. I have accepted not being able to actually ride my bike. God took away the burning need to race. I'm free from that pain, and I love the liberation. If I heal, I will ride with the utmost fervor, but I know that I can live without the bike. It's just a bike. My identity is not in being a cyclist; it is in Jesus Christ.

However, I still anguish over cycling. It's all about my status. It kills me to not be known by Arizona cyclists. I become angry when a rider does not know my name. I feel that I am entitled to having a reputation- I am wrong in this assertion, I know, but that doesn't make it easier to let go. I judge people to be apathetic because they do not know of my existence. I've been battling a puffed-up ego for the longest of times, and while my sensitivity to it has increased, the battle has ended not and will not end until my death.

Perhaps there's no point in me telling you this. Perhaps you will read this and think I'm a nutcase, or worse, a diva, but you know what? I don't care.

That's a lie; I do care. I care deeply and obsessively, and such a concern must die. Thanks for reading my attempts to express myself. I feel better now.

1 comment:

Enrique Madrid said...

Life is more than cycling or any other sport. Our youth is we develop and grow, however; it’s not always a lifetime choice. Nonetheless; the passion is rooted in and the memories keeps us going. Fame or fortune, which one supersedes? Neither one, yet love and life work simultaneously. Imagine God had a hobby, where would we be? What about our prayers, or healing the sick. My friend, some people are hooked on other habits that has sucked the best of their youth and you have a healthy and beautiful youthful life in your hands. Cherish these moments forever, and do something that will benefit in the future. Remember, God may take away certain expectations for the preparation of a newness of life that demands your time at home vs. on the road biking.