Friday, July 13, 2012

The Center of Attention

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about egoism and why I do the things I do. Jake and I are finding some success at podcasting (episode three is up). My hope for the show is to develop it into a centralized source of information for Arizona cyclists, and then to build our roots into the rest of the country. Since I moved out here, I've always wanted to develop more online discussion between AZ racers, because frankly, they can be socially isolated outside of Facebook.
As you all should know, I came from Michigan, which unanimously has the most tight-knit cycling community in the United States of America. Their bulletin board and many blogs definitely gave people a sense of belonging. We called it "The Michigan Scene", the name coming from a rather famous anonymous blog. I never read TMS because it had some dirty content (and I was younger back then), but it truly was legendary. Lots of shout-outs, plugs, and spotlighting, which is what bike racers love. Frankly, that's a think that drives me.
I think I left Michigan feeling rather bitter. I'm the type of person that craves attention, even if I don't express that desire. I wanted people to mention me, to say that I was a great cyclist, to make me look good, to call me a phenom, when I didn't deserve such things. I was a dedicated junior rider, but I wasn't all that fast. Never the less, my ego led me to say many rash words that I absolutely regret but will never be able to forget. I acted jealously and possessively to a dear friend of mine, and I picked fights for no real reason other than asserting myself. 
I just want to externalize my priorities with Bike Psycho Radio. I should not do it because I want people to know who I am, rather, it should be done out of a love for the sport. It's human to seek to validate my ego, but that doesn't make it okay.